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Phys(ics)Geek
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"The two facets of the mind are intellect and emotion..."
It's easy to sit around and question your decisions through hindsight. It's easy to say, "Hey, I should have never even looked at that girl..." or, "Why did I start that diary?" What's truly difficult is the define a method of thought from those past decisions... theres just such a variety of methodologies with which one can examine them, and such a variety of inferences to draw from them... it's a wonder that we do it. I'd like to sit in my room at night and feel satisfied, really, I would. I have never felt satisfied with my life... being valedictorian wasn't enough to prove that I'm smart, so I chose to pursue the hardest career possible... And when I graduate Summa Cum Laude with Baccalaureate of Science degrees in both theoretical physics and pure mathematics, both with honors, I know that even that won't be enough, so I'm pursing the hardest grad school that I can... I don't know why I feel so inefficient, incapable, and unworthy... I don't know why I don't feel satisfied with what I've accomplished so far, and I don't know why I feel that no matter what I do, it'll never be enough to please you... whomever "you" is. I don't feel like my existence is justified. I ponder why I am here, and the relative asymptotic nature of my social life merely leads to further pondering... And, it's not that I'm sad all the time... I don't feel sad, I just feel as if no matter what I do, it's not good enough and I could work harder... I can put in a 90 hour week and still feel like I should do more work... I just think that the constant successes of my professional life are more than doubly negated by the ever-present emotional detachment that the world offers to me... I have no one that I can just talk to, to say whats going on in my life and what's going on in my head, without fear of reprisal, apathy, or miscomprehension... I feel as if there is no one in my life that understands of "gets" me... and the consistent and saddening negative results of my search for such a person further results in my unhappiness and negative self-worth... so I continue to work hard and long hours, with more academic success and less emotional growth... It is a weight which I know not how long I can bear... Feeling:
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