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Phys(ics)Geek
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"I lost my love, my life, that night..."
It was raining, I remember that because sitting in my car that night, I couldn't help but wonder if the foreboding weather patterns indicated something inauspicious that was to come. We were sitting in my car, watching the rain, listening to some unharmonious respite that was to her liking, and discussing the future. She told me she was going to be a chemist. I, as a future physicist, shuddered at the thought. She told me she wanted kids. She told me that she wanted to live in a big house, surrounded by families and other kids, with a white picket fence and a dog named Sparky romping through the freshly trimmed backyard. I told her I loved her. My speech was elegant, romantic, directed from the heart, to which I recieved a response of silence. The quietude was deafening, and indicated immediately that my life was going to take a turn towards the accouterments of darkness for some span of time. How was I to know that said time span would be an unconscionable one? I think we sat there for a good twenty minutes saying nothing, thinking nine hundred million thoughts, all at once, and above all wondering why on Earth I should do something so stupid as to verbalize my feelings. She broke the silence... She couldn't say the same. She said I was a "nice guy". She said I was sweet. She made the true message clear: it wasn't going to be me, or somebody like me... she deserved better. I started the car and drove her home, it wasn't far. She stepped out into the waning downpour and muttered apologies which she didn't need to mutter. We avoided each other for a week, and I decided that I'd try to win her back by showing her how good of a person I was, and I tried to go back to being her best friend. It never worked... and though she has long since said her last goodbye to me, I still struggle with the ramifications of love-and-loss... Questioning whether or not I truly loved her never helps, and certainly agonizing over it fails to alleviate my grief. Seeing her tonight was hard, but what I saw was a happy, beautiful girl with not a care in the world. While I am still just me... lost, analytical, introspective... accomplished and sad, isolated, solitary. To this day, the only thought I have going into any sort of relationship, is that I do not deserve happiness. Feeling:
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