|
Phys(ics)Geek
|
|
"It leaves you with a pretty nasty feeling inside when someone you've never met is able to in one sentence sum up everything that is bad about you."
I already added an entry tonight... but I've had a few more thoughts that I'd like very much to share... Someone once told me... "just because you're getting a double major in [math & physics], doesn't mean that you know everything that there is to know about everything. so stop acting like it." That has been bugging me since I read it... When did people stop seeing me as the friendly neightborhood math geek and start seeing me as a pompous ass that pretends to know everything about everything? I don't know... I need to change my life. That's not who I want to be... that sickens me... it's everything that I don't want to be... I like what I do... but I fear that I've made it take control over my life because all of my endeavours into anything besides academia were met with a more than a modicum of opposition... For instance... "friendships". I was more popular than most in high school... but since then... since I've decided that I have to have a Ph.D. after my name to somehow complete my being... I've had few friends... Good friends anyway. And those that I do have, they're flimsy at best. I go weeks at a time without speaking to anyone except people in my classes... I rarely have the time or energy to do anything besides study... nor do I wish to go out there and try to be friendly. What's wrong with me? I just... don't get how I've let myself become what I've become. I was the nice guy, the guy that could cheer you up when you had a bad day, the guy that new what to say when things in life sucked, the guy people actually liked being around... Now? I don't even know. I don't know who or what I've become but it physically makes me sick to think of it... to think that if one person out there will say this, maybe there's a hundred thousand other people out there that are just too shy or too nice to say it. Really, I don't know why I pretend to be smart... I'm not. When push comes to shove, all that I'm good at is math... and even with that I'm shaky more often than I wish I was. I'm not a good artist, I can't sing, I can't dance, I certainly can't write very well, and my other "talent": web design... isn't a talent at all... its more of something that I try to be good at... I can do math. Makes me wonder why I'm still here... day after day. I could pack a bag, get in my car, and leave this life forever... I would drive to the Rocky Mountains... I'd go camping in the Great North Woods... I'd spend winter in Alaska... I could work small jobs here and there... making just enough money to buy fuel for myself and my car, and pay for the occaisional thing that popped up. I'd become a permanent tourist. Maybe just sell my car and live off the land even... I mean why not? Who'd miss me? Not my family... I hardly see them anyway. My friends and professors would just think that I transferred to Stanford or Harvard or Yale or some shit... I could literally disappear and it would matter to no one... except maybe Uncle Sam because he'd have trouble finding out how to tax my ass... I don't know... I know I'll never do that... I'm not strong enough to do something like that. I'm going to do what fate intends me to do... get some bullshit degree that means fuck to everybody but my thesis advisor... and spend my days alone in my office doing math. Yep. Sounds like a plan. And I'm going to stop trying to talk to people... that's what causes me problems. Whenever I talk I sound like some pedantic fuck with too many opions on everything. So I'll shut up now. Feeling:
|