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Phys(ics)Geek
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"And everything that hurts you, is locked up inside you."
"Those who bring sunshine into the lives of others can't keep it from themselves." Maybe that's it. Maybe that right there is my problem. As I have yet to "bring sunshine into the lives of others", I am keeping it from myself. That could be an explanation for my... I hate referring to it as a problem... sure, I mean I sit here at my desk every night after, typically, working on something hard for the last few hour. I digress. That could be a pretty good theory for why I'm not fulfilled with life. That's a pretty good way to think of it, I think. I'm not fulfilled with life. I do not feel "whole". There is "something" missing. I think that something is just basically someone to talk to. I mean, sure, I have people to talk to, but I have no one to open up to. I haven't been sleeping well. Which isn't good because I take a pill every night that is supposed to prevent me from not sleeping. But yeah, I haven't been sleeping well. Last night I woke up at 2 AM and basically laid in bed all night thinking about all the things that just aren't right with me. That was a real confidence booster. I just don't understand myself sometimes. I mean, it's a Friday night, and I went out with friends, and we were at this club and I just didn't feel right being there. So I ducked out early and walked around for a while, and where did I end up? It's only 11:30 and I'm typing this, aren't I? Yeah. I think I need some new friends. They just are simply not like me anymore. There was a time, sure, when all I cared about was "geek stuff". And I admit, hell, I'm PROUD to be a geek... but I'm not just a geek. For once I want to sit with some friends over a cup of java and discuss Kant or politics or even sports... just SOMETHING besides how to squeeze RAM requirements for a given app down to bare minimum by parsing this or that... Bla bla bla! Yes, I can code in 4 programming languages and I can maintain a network of linux boxes, but my life does not revolve around this stuff anymore. Damned liberal arts education. I'm a physicist with the mind of a philosopher and the logic of a mathematician. That's a badass and yet unmistakably miserable combination. I'm smart, I should be able to train myself to be able to stop questioning myself and basically everything else, right? Just be normal. Accept this and that as fact. When a professor says a magnetic monopole can't exist I WILL NOT spend 3 hours googling journal articles by crackpot physicists looking for some beautiful theory that depends upon the existence of magentic charges. I trained my brain to ignore headaches that last weeks on end, I can train my mind to do this. Yep. The only problem? My natural inquisitive nature is why I'm smart... it's WHY I got into all the top schools in my field (despite my not choosing to go there from the get-go) and more recently it's why I have a research budget thats almost as large as full-time out-of-state tuition for my school... It hasn't treated me all that badly, has it? Sure, it tends to make me do this everynight and feel like I'm alone in the world basically all the time, but maybe that's just apart of the nature. Maybe my nature is to sit here alone every night for the rest of my life and spew nonsense about life and love over again. Honestly, can I really deny my nature? Feeling:
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