|
Phys(ics)Geek
|
|
"I am waiting for the telephone to tell me I'm alive..."
So I'm sitting here wondering why it is that I can never just feel "happy." I think it has something to do with the vast amount of trust I invest in others. I mean, wheras some feel the desire to withhold trust in all forms from everyone, I feel the need to invest an inordinate amount of trust in nearly all. Believe it or not, I actually think that most people deep down are good. They're mostly ignoramus neanderthals, but they have good intentions. Ergo, I invest a certain amount of trust in all people, that for the most part people will do the right thing when it comes down to the wire. Now, as this regards my personal life, it means that I invest a certain amount of trust in meeting new people that nothing bad will come out of the situation. Thus, reality being much different from that which occurs in my mind, I am consistently and customarily let-down by those who surround me. This appears in outward for as a feeling of "apathy" or, to state it more specifically: "Whenever I meet someone new that I'm romantically interested in, I start the relationship by assuming that there is a likely chance of the relationship becoming serious, and therefore the end of my self-worth aberrations." So, I'm thinking theoretically here: is it possible that just by changing my perspective of people in general, I will be able to end my suffering without actually finding someone who understands me, finds me interesting, and actually likes me for me? I believe it is. My problem is that I don't have a superiority complex (though many scientists and intellectuals such as myself do). People think because I use big words, manipulate big equations, and have big dreams of supercolliders and a unified theory, that I have a sense of "I'm-better-than-you" in me. Even my best friends have jumped to such conclusions... but it's not true. If anything I have an inferiority complex because consistently I wish that I were them... And my logic translates that desire into a sense that "they" are better than I... And, because of my trust in them, I feel like they are thinking the same thing (because surely they are just as capable of realizing that as well... Anyway, it's clear that I'm rambling... I think that I need to resume my meditation. I gave it up in the end of December for some unknown reason and I think that I'm going to pick it up again for two reasons: 1.) it helps me get rid of my headaches, and 2.) if I don't start controlling my nonphysics thoughts I'm going to drive myself to an insane asylum... Although, free drugs and an indian roomate wouldn't be that bad of a deal... and just 'cause Jack McMurphy couldn't handle it doesn't mean that Kellen Murphy can't... Damn... that won't work either... they don't let people taking Xanax and Ambien use calculators and solving the problems of the universe would be damn there impossible without my TI-89... Hah. Cheers. Feeling:
|