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Phys(ics)Geek
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"If anything I should have been a better thing..."
It seems like things are so much different than they used to be, and while most of that is good, there seem to be a few things that bug the hell out of me in my current 'life' and I really have nothing that I can do about it. For instance, take this diary. There was a time when I had no problem expressing all of the problems I had in a clear, concise, and helpful way. Now, whenever I'm feeling low and I come to this to help me sort things out, I always end up either feeling like it was a waste of time, or worrying about what the things I say mean. I also worry that I ramble on about my thoughts too much. But, if I go a long time without a so-called 'deep' entry, I feel like I'm wasting time again. I don't know. Maybe I just feel like everyone that reads this thing already knows what's wrong with me... and moreover it's not a very exciting life that I lead... Seriously, I doubt there is a more boring job to describe than physicist. I'm a researcher at heart. I do complex mathematics the likes of which nearly all of you couldn't even recognize as mathematics without the venerable "=" sign throw in occasionally. I think that bothers me also. I used to be able to open up to this more when I didn't have to worry about people understanding my problems. For instance, one of the biggest things bothering me right now is a tricky calculation I'm doing for this project, and I can't very well describe it because I doubt any of you'd be willing to sit down and listen to me blather on and on and on about what I'm doing, just so I can get to the actual problem... It's just bothersome. No one, though they may try, can really understand me because no one (save fellow scientists) can really comprehend the things I'm working on. I know that probably sounds a little arrogant to you... hell, it sounds arrogant to me. But, unfortunately, its the truth. I really don't understand what I'm doing here sometimes. I mean, I go to work, and spend hours upon hours upon hours entranced by (what it comes down to) math... it's complex, abstract, and rather difficult. My job is to think. Seriously, I get paid (and rather handsomely, at that) to sit on my arse and think about how I can model on a computer, what a particle of a given mass will do if you leave it alone. That's my job. And I like it, I really do. I feel good at it. But, I don't know why I should go to work and do such thought experiments and then come home and feel like I am worthless. I don't know what it is in my fucked up skull that makes me come home at night, after meticulously pondering the nature of the universe all day, and ponder meticulously the nature of my thought patterns. Just... for once in my life I'd like to turn the scientist off. I'd like to come home, go on the internet, and not feel sad because in my fucked up reality nobody likes me. Maybe my fucked up reality is your fucked up reality... maybe it's everybody's fucked up reality... but I'm tired of it. I'm tired of you making me feel bad. I'm tired of me making me feel bad... I'm tired of driving down the street and wondering where I went wrong, and more than anything I'm tired of little, insignificant events sending me in a downward spiral to what is perhaps my manifest destiny. Or maybe I should just accept it... because in the end, what it comes down to is this: during the day, when I'm sitting in my laboratory at my terminal doing real physics... I'm comfortable. I'm not the weakling, I'm not the worthless hobo on the corner; I am in control and focused... my game face is on... I'm in the zone. It's the closest I get to nirvana. And as my intelligence increases, my cognitive abilities are honed, and my perception of the universe increases, the trivial thoughts that you have of me don't matter... all that matters is that, in my own way, I'm better than anybody out there. Though no one else recognizes it, and though none of you give a fuck... it should start meaning something to me. For those few hours of the day I feel good about who I am, and nothing you say, nothing I read, nobody ignoring me, nobody rejecting me, and nobody telling me how worthless I am during the rest of my waking hours can take that away from me. I'll see you fuckers in Sweden when I accept my Noble... because from now on... I came to play, and I'm going to win, and there is no thing, no thought, no person, and no feeling that will stand in my way. Have a nice day. Feeling:
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